


The Hatmen of Hat Films: A Dramatic Introduction

by Woolve



Series: The Hatmen of Hat Films [1]
Category: Hat Films - Fandom, The Yogscast
Genre: Escape to Mauritania, Gen, M/M, My First Fanfic, OC, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 15:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7112326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woolve/pseuds/Woolve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tension rises between Smith and Trott while playing games, or watching TV shows, whatever it is Hat Films do. Ross watches on, unsure whether he he feels too strongly or not at all. Anna Realperson narrates, and she isn't an OC - she's real. Mauritania is a bad place, and it haunts my naive soul that the world is so full of cruelty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hatmen of Hat Films: A Dramatic Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what Hat Films is about. They do games, probably, and I'm guessing they're based in Britain? I don't know for sure where I get that impression.  
> I asked my friend, bro__strider, to describe the Hatmen to me.
> 
> "smith: salty bearded man  
> ross: precious. mutters snarkily  
> trott: twink  
> all u need"
> 
> This is their story.

I, a single female, walked into the Hat room. "Hello Smith, what's up?" 

His face was sullen, and his answer as enigmatic as it was blood-boilingly frustrating "Just. Nevermind me." Smith seemed salty, as he is often want to be. He scratched his beard, giving me a sideways glance, and as his eyes returned to gaze intentless at his knees, I caught him throwing a glance at Trott. Trott was doing twink stuff like, looking at pictures of boys on his iPhone and doing leg stretches in the corner or something, out of earshot of Smith. 

I circled the room toward Trott, approaching him from behind, as practiced. I could see that he was on Tinder, swiping no on twinks, and curiously swiping yes on bearded, endearingly surly looking men. There was no implication in this observation. I tapped him on the shoulder to ask him about computer games, because I guess that's just what we do, and he hurriedly put away his phone, greeting me with failed nonchalance. "Hello Anna, I wasn't doing anything gay- I mean, I'm not doing anything which implicates me as having interest in the sexual activity of other men. Which I do not."

"I know you don't, because that's not canon. Why is Smith salty?" I asked, completely unfazed by how gay Trott clearly is, no matter what he or his personal history suggest. 

Trott gathered his words, unable to look me in the eyes, clearly afraid of intimacy, as many repressed homosexuals are. Interrupting Trott's panicked, animal-like guttural speech, Ross arrived. "What you doing, Trott, looking at boys??? Hahaha" he quipped, penetrating the room with his explosive charisma.

"Ross, you never fail to come in with a good joke" I said, honestly and truly. I could have said more, actually. Ross is such a fine example of a man. I could talk for hours. I couldn't really have expressed my gratitude for his joke in anything less that physical intimacy or violence.

"That I do." he sighed, seemingly numbed to the praise of his peers. Wow. At this point we realised that Trott had been shivering like a frightened animal, with his usual grin stapled to his face as if he'd previously reproduced a set of default expressions using a flesh printer, and then he kept them in his pocket for emergencies. What was he hiding?

"What are you hiding?" I asked Trott. His cover blown, Trott's face flushed red, and he got up, circling the room toward the door, which I guess is on the south wall, where we are on the north. Smith made no acknowledgement of this. I am a ball of frustration and no words can express my torment. At this point all feelings of lust and violent anger feel the same, and I can't distinguish between love and hate. "Are you all mocking me?! Am I the centre of the joke, or am I merely the eye of the storm, neglected by the surrounding chaos?!"

Smith sighed and stood up. In my maddened state he seemed to drip black-green sludge, like a weight of dark energy saturated his non-corporeal inner self. "Trott and I fell out. I was playing computer games with him-"

"As we are often want to do," I reminded him, my spatial awareness gradually returning. 'We want for nothing but good games', I repeated in my head. The words of all at Hat films. The mantra of our flock.

"As we are often want to do," he agreed. "But I lost track of what we were doing, and when I asked 'Did we just get to the next level', he started shaking and crying, and moved to kiss me."

"What did you say, you dumb ass haha" Ross asked, with his characteristic appropriate timing. My feelings for Ross are true and certain. He is my rock to which I cling in times of foul weather.

To my surprise, Smith was less amused. "Ross, could you stop with that for just one minute?"

"Don't speak to Ross like that, Smith! He's just making a joke! Lighten up, could you?"

"So this isn't important to you at all? You're more interested in standing up for Ross than you are about Trott and I?"

Ross put a hand on my shoulder. My body was at once repelled and bestilled. I am yours so long as you keep supplying this sweet sensation, Ross. Be my ecstasy. I am your animal. "Continue, Smith."

"So he tried to kiss me, and then. I kissed back. Neither of us had anything to say about it. We were both too confused. Because we're both heterosexual men, as supported by our personal history."

"You've probably even talked openly about it online in response to fans, right? Probably?" Ross asked.

"Yes. Probably. We probably told people that none of us are gay. We might even have girlfriends? I don't know the rules of this continuity."

"You must be salty about it though, right? And I'm snarky."

"Ross is a Twink, and that arouses me, but also boo to feelings."

I came back to the scene "I saw Trott looking at his phone earlier, he was swiping twinks to No on Tinder, and swiping Yes to men with beards."

Smith was silent. He seemed salty that I'd brought it up. It's one of his key characteristics, mysteriously unexpressed for the majority of his exchange with Ross. "He was swiping Yes to me. And... Swiping No to himself." Smith took to his mobile device.

"What... What do you mean, Smith?"

"It's incredible. Trott and I are the only men on Tinder. It was meant to be." he showed me Tinder, and there was Trott, having swiped Yes on Smith. "I swiped Yes on him too. So many times... But..."

"What is it, you just realised how gay you are?" Ross said, snarkily, as he is want to do.

"But I swipe Yes on myself, because I like myself. Why would Trott swipe No on himself?"

"He must be ashamed of his suppressed homosexuality." I gasped. I took to Twitter, and Trott was doing a Twitter rant.

I read his latest tweet aloud, "I'm not gay, no matter what you all say. My parents asked me not to be, and I obeyed, so therefor I'm not gay." I checked trending posts, and there were a bunch of ones from people with Hat films avatars, begging him to be gay. I was envious of the attention. I'm a real person in real life, Anna Realperson, but I'm never on the show and they never talk about me. I'm not an OC - I'm real! Yet Trott has so much attention for his sexuality crisis, and nobody likes my Tweets.

Smith was packing his bags "I must go to him," he gasped "I know where he'll be."

* * * * * *

We rushed to the airport. We could see Trott's car parked near the entrance to the air terminal, identifiable by the license plate 'N0TT G4Y'.

"There's not much time. He's going back to Mauritania. I just know he's going back to Mauritania. Being gay is punishable by death there. It's the ultimate deterrent. They also have a 20% slave population, isn't that fucked up?"

I was surprised by this information, because I generally don't do research on slavery; not because I'm culturally ignorant, though I guess ignorance is an absolute, so I suppose I was relatively ignorant. "Yeah wow, that is really fucked up. I guess it's not like that cartoon idea of slavery though, where they're all linked together with chains and carted around in cages though, right?"

Smith needed something to talk about while we maneuvered our way through crowds toward the terminal, which unlike nowadays was easily accessible from the front gate. "Yeah, technically slavery is 'abolished' in Mauritania but they don't have criminal laws in place to enforce the ban for ages. They only got round to putting laws in place 10 years ago."

I would say that Smith had impressive knowledge of the status of slavery in Mauritania, but by the way he trailed off toward the end, he probably just retained a paragraph or two of some Vox article really well, but that's pretty impressive in itself.  
We got through the air terminal. We might be on a watch list now. We couldn't find Trott anywhere in wherever we are, maybe an American airport or maybe a British one.

“Did you lose him?” Ross asked accusingly. I was on his side because yeah, you get it. I’ve driven home that joke. I missed their exchange as I was lost in thought. Am I using that word right? ‘As we are want to do…’ isn’t it ‘wont’? I felt vaguely embarrassed, but I didn’t have the time to reconsider how I’d used it earlier. Trott was at the other end of the hall.

They kissed and had sex right there in the airport terminal. Honestly it was weird and gross in that moment, viewing it as an outsider, but I suppose emotional liberation is a kink for some people, maybe? I don’t think it’s up to me to justify it. Trott got over his deeply rooted self loathing, by having sex.


End file.
